Telemundo.

In order to get by in this day and age, you have to know a few things. One of these things you need to know is how to tell if you're watching Spanish Television. Let's say that you're just flipping channels, and you come across a network that you're not sure if it's Spanish TV or not. Here's a simple checklist of three things to look for to see just how far south of the border your television program is.

1. High Drama. Is anyone crying? Is anyone yelling? Is someone dying? Is someone shaking their fists and pointing at things? Are there weapons? Does it look like a normal scene from daily life, only everyone is scowling?

2. Bad Entertainment. Is there a game show of some kind taking place? Are there girls dressed up like supermodels with absolutely no purpose other than to be there? Is there fast dancing with red dresses? Is there a mariachi band?

3. Cleavage. Are the women's shirts just barely hanging on? Do you feel like you need to repent just from looking at the TV? Is the first question you ask yourself or someone else in the room "Real or Fake?"

If you answered "yes" to at least one of the above questions, you are most likely watching Spanish television. If you still aren't sure, may I suggest you turn up the volume and see if they're speaking in Spanish. If you answered "no" to all of the above questions, then you are NOT watching south of the border programming. This tried and true method for deciding what network you're watching without use of volume or little icons in the bottom corner has been approved by the Lambert family. No racism is intended.